Why might we miss our former selves during the holidays?
What we see and hear during the holidays can bring old identities back to life. This sadness can arise from losing roles, hopes or versions of ourselves that once existed.
The holiday season can be a curious mixture of pleasure, memories and intense feelings. Many of us suddenly feel sad or unsettled even when nothing bad has happened. We often assume this heaviness is about loved ones we have lost. Yet there is another kind of grief that is mentioned less often: grief for the person we used to be.
Holiday surroundings are full of sensory associations: music, smells, decorations and familiar food. These emotional cues can be powerful, bringing back the feelings of another period in our lives. A particular scent or song may instantly take you back to a younger version of yourself, complete with that time’s emotional atmosphere. This is more than nostalgia. It connects you with an identity you had before major changes, difficulties or responsibilities.
Grieving a loved one and grieving a former self
Grief is not limited to losing people. Losing roles, dreams or futures we once thought possible can also bring grief. During the holidays, these inner losses may become especially noticeable.
You might miss:
- The confidence or enthusiasm you once had.
- A role or relationship that used to define you.
- A dream that no longer fits your life.
- A time when life felt simpler and safer.
Holiday traditions highlight the distance between “then” and “now”. We can therefore feel grief even when our current lives are going well.
When the gap between our current self and an ideal or former self grows, it can create psychological strain. During the holidays, that contrast may feel stronger. Even if you are satisfied with your present life, you may miss qualities carried by earlier versions of you, such as hope, innocence or connection.
This does not necessarily mean something is wrong with your life now. It can simply reflect the importance of past experiences.
How can we respond to these feelings?
Rather than pushing the feelings away, approach them with curiosity. Grief for a former self often contains useful information about our values, needs and growth.
Ask yourself: “Which version of me is showing up now? What did that person love, fear or hope for?” Naming that identity can help turn confusion into understanding.
Acknowledge your inner changes. Growth can involve letting go of earlier identities. Accepting those changes means recognising the emotional reality of that transition. You can miss who you were and still feel glad about who you are now.
Small symbolic actions may help us make sense of feelings. Lighting a candle for a past chapter, writing a letter to your former self, or placing a meaningful object in your home can offer comfort and a sense of meaning. These actions do not erase grief, but they can form a bridge between who you were and who you are becoming.
It is possible to feel both grateful and sad during the holidays. Allowing different feelings to exist together can make the experience more honest and compassionate.
Sometimes these returning selves simply need to be noticed and then allowed to go. At other times, they quietly point towards something we have avoided: a need, a wish or a direction in our present life that deserves attention. Not every emotional echo is pulling us backwards. Some ask us to notice what matters now. Listening can help us move more authentically towards the person we are becoming.
What these returning selves may be telling us
When feelings resurface during the holidays, we may think they are spoiling the occasion. Often, however, these emotional waves reflect the depth of our experience and the changes we have lived through. Holidays remind us not only of people we have lost, but also of earlier selves: the hopeful, vulnerable, joyful or carefree person who once took part in these same traditions.
These returning selves are not necessarily without purpose. Some carry memories that still need to be acknowledged or released. Others hold a value or insight that once mattered to us and now needs attention again. They may point to unmet needs, forgotten dreams or inner truths obscured by the demands of adult life. Not every emotional voice asks you to look back. Some invite you to listen to your future.
These inner encounters remind us of the chapters that shaped us and the identities that helped us through important periods of life. They recall not only what we have lost, but also what still matters.
Grieving a former self is not necessarily a step backwards. It can be part of the continuity and depth of who you are. By appreciating what those earlier selves did for you, and listening to what they may be saying now, you can meet your present self with more compassion and clarity.
When it feels too heavy to manage alone
Sometimes these returning selves bring feelings too heavy to manage alone, particularly when distance from family and home intensifies them.
If the sadness is brief and manageable, you may be able to work through it yourself. But if every holiday season passes under a weight that feels difficult to explain, it may help to speak with a Persian-speaking psychologist who understands both your language and this experience.